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 [Warning! This is satire. If there is any resemblance to reality in the text below, it is purely intentional.]
Al Gore, former Vice President of the United States, Nobel Peace Prize co-winner, and winner of a Hollywood Oscar for his documentary, “An Inconvenient Truth”, was at it again, giving another of those “The End is Near” speeches in which he advises the rest of us to stop driving, get rid of our air conditioners, and do everything else to avoid global warming.
He says we only have ten years in which to do this. After that, says Al Gore, there will be so much carbon dioxide in the Earth’s atmosphere we will all be fried like ants on the sidewalk. Considering that there’s only 0.038% of CO2 in the Earth’s atmosphere, listening to his idiotic bloviating can and has impaired the mental health of countless people.
His latest Gore-atory is that we need to stop using fossil fuels to generate electricity because, as he put it in his usual understated way, “The future of human civilization is at stake.”
Briefly, it’s worth noting that coal accounts for just over 50% of all
the electricity we use, nuclear for another 20%, natural gas for just
under 20%, and the rest from minor sources like hydroelectric. Solar
and wind power, combined, accounts for less than 4% because it remains
a really stupid way to generate electricity.
Instead of banning everything Al Gore and his Little Green Friends want
eliminated from modern life, why can’t we just get Al Gore banned?
Frankly, I think a case can be made that Al Gore represents a
compelling reason to set aside the First Amendment guarantees of free
speech and free press. (But only for him!)
Single-handedly, Al Gore has frightened more pre-school and
school-age children in the history of the nation. These tots are all
convinced that the end of the Earth is coming in their lifetimes. The
reason for this is that they’ve all been forced to sit through “An
Inconvenient Truth” several times, often to the point where they weep
uncontrollably and beg to be allowed to leave the room.
I know that Constitutional purists will say that Al Gore cannot and
should not be banned, but I maintain that anyone who wrote, as he did
in his book, “Earth in the Balance”, that the internal combustion
engine should be eliminated has no right to speak in public or be
published for any reason.
This is such bizarre and demented nonsense that the real question is why Al Gore has not been institutionalized?
It can be argued, I maintain, that anyone who crammed as many lies into
his award-winning documentary as Al Gore did should not be allowed to
roam freely. Here again, I know that some will say that if we locked up
every liar in public life, the nation’s Capitol Building would be empty
along with many of Washington, DC’s various bureaucracies whose job it
is to steal public property and fleece taxpayers.
I repeat, I only want Al Gore banned.
I maintain that it would be a public service to put Al Gore under house
arrest where he could continue to burn through more energy than twenty
average homes in Nashville, Tennessee. This single act would render the
entire world a Gore-Free Zone where polar bears would not be exploited
for being cute to everyone except seals and some citizens of Alaska for
whom the word “cute” does not come instantly to mind when one of them
is in the backyard.
A Gore-Free Zone would be one in which the rest of us could devote
more time to figuring out what to do as the Earth enters its second
decade of atmospheric cooling and, unless the Sun warms up soon, slides
into the next Ice Age.
Alan Caruba writes a weekly column posted on the Internet site of The National Anxiety Center. You can also find his regular blog postings at Warning Signs.
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